o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
