I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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