She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
New Dating App in Dallas For Only The Most Ambitious and Attractive Singles
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil