i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
