Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos