Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Bring me that man meat
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
