when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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