I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
