I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
