i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize