Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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