i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
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