i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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