An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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