I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
