Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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