When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
