Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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