I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
