I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
We are two peas in an std pod
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
