my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
