dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
