It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Rumble strips road head = magical
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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