A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
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