Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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