she said she was living bicuriously through me.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
