its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
