maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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