Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
it's like iHOP with fire
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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