And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
it's not cheating when I paid for it
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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