just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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