1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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