Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
