you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
