party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
