My first STD was from a foam party
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
