I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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