i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
