I want to have your abortion
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
