I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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