My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Randomize
