To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
