My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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