I'll bet she douches with gravy.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
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Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
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We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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