I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
