A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
