Someone shit on the floor
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
