I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
