Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
