Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
