I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
