If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
