hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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