Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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