Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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