I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Randomize
