O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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